The Dog's Diary: Search Party
by Natmonkey
Summary: Leliana has yet to return from her adventure with Isabela, so Stubbs is sent out with Morrigan and Shale to find her. But what will they find?


_You know what, I'm not going to explain the names anymore. You're smart people. You can figure it out._

* * *

**Search Party**

Is it time to look for the nice female yet? I don't know. I know I don't want to be away from the lady, but they were going to do sneaky things and I had to stay behind. I'm not sneaky enough. Can we go already? I have to do _something_, or I will go crazy. This tasty animal leg the lady gave me is really nice, but I can't be lazy all the time. "Angry female?" There she is, reading again. I bump my nose against her hand. "Is it time to look for the nice female yet?"

She looks up from her book. "Yes, 'tis well into the afternoon. I suppose we shall have to arrange a search party."

Gasp! "A party? Is that as much fun as it sounds?" I hope there are lots of snacks and music and dancing. I like dancing. Too bad Tin Can isn't here. He dances well.

"No, generally 'tis not." She sniffs. "But perhaps to you, however, even a search may be amusing. Shale!" She goes to the statue. "'Tis time. We must venture into the city and locate Leliana."

The statue sighs. "I am sure the sister is fine, swamp witch. It must understand that I am loath to drag myself through the city again, after carrying all that junk the Grey Warden insisted on buying."

"Very well." Angry female folds her arms before her chest. "You may stay here, but know that if anything untoward happens to Stubbs or myself, you shall never hear the end of it from Astoreth."

Now the statue makes a groaning noise. "Oh, I shall never be rid of the Grey Warden's incessant whining. Very well." Yay, it's coming with us! The big bads had better watch out. Now we are invincible. I will never tell the statue that. It is too proud already. "Let us leave right away then."

"Hey!" It's Firefur, sticking his fiery head out of a door. "Where are you all going?"

"We are going to find the nice female!" I tell him. "The lady wants it."

"Come with you, you say?" What? I didn't say that. "I think I'll do that."

Angry female rolls her eyes. "That is not what the dog said, dwarf, and you know it."

"Yeah, well, I'm bored and I'm sure you ladies can use my protection." He looks at the statue, then at me, then back at angry female. "Or just you."

"Shouldn't the dwarf be drinking itself into a stupor?" The statue laughs. "I shall do the protecting."

Firefur laughs too. "Even that gets boring after a while." That's it. I'm just going to go. They can follow me if they like, but I am going to find the nice female.

~*|'-'|*~

"Stubbs!" Finally, angry female has decided to follow me. "Wait! You do not even know where to search."

"Do too." I was there when the lady explained it. "The lady said she left the nice female in the… arbour." Yes. Whatever that is.

Angry female sighs. "Harbour. She said, harbour." She pats my head. "I know, 'tis a subtle difference, but a great difference nonetheless. And do you know where to find this harbour?"

"Yes!" I lied. I have no idea. "All right, no." I hang my head in shame. "But I would have found it."

"Can we get a move on already?" says Firefur. "Leliana isn't going to be found while we just stand around here and argue with a sodding dog!" Hey! He and the statue only just followed us. I was the one who wanted to move. Feh. Stupid humans. Firefur looks at me funny. "Do you think he can do that trick where you give him somebody's stuff to smell and he sniffs them out?" he asks angry female.

Angry female looks angry again. "Possibly. Why? Do you possess anything of Leliana's?"

"As a matter of fact, I do." Firefur grins and pulls something from his pocket. It's made of fabric, small and I can smell the nice female's scent from all the way over here. "Here, Pooch, give this a sniff." Okay, but I don't know how this will help at all. And my name is not Pooch. Sniff. Hmm.

"Are.. Are those her unmentionables?" Angry female is angry again. "Blood and damnation! Must you be so vile?" Vile? Why? Smells fine to me. Sniff.

Firefur shrugs. "I'm a guy, I can't help it. They were right _there_."

Sniff. Sniff. Wait! I think I'm getting something. "This way!"

~*|'-'|*~

The nice female's scent is gone. I can't pick it out of all the other smells. Smells like humans in heat here. "I'm sorry, I lost her scent."

Angry female strokes my back. "You did well, Stubbs. That means a nice, juicy bone for you when we return." You know what, I think she really likes me. Finally. That took a long time.

"This is a house of ill repute," says the statue. "I have seen more than enough humans copulating to last me another thousand years, so I shall remain outside."

"Aw yeah, naked chicks!" Firefur rubs his hands together, looking very happy. That's good. I didn't think little baby chickens would make him happy, but I guess I don't know him very well. "We should investigate," he says with a serious face.

Angry female throws up her hands. "What Leliana might be doing in a brothel is beyond me." She walks in; Firefur and I follow her. Crowded in here.

Ooh, they have music! I want to hear it better. They can find the nice female themselves, I'm sure. Beautiful voice. Much better than Tin Can's. _Are you going to Denerim Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme._ I'm getting closer to the singer. _Remember me to one who lives there, for she once was a true love of mine._ Oooooh! It's the nice female! I'm going to sit here and listen to her.

"Tell her to make me a cambric shirt; parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme…" She sounds so different now. Her eyes are closed. Her fingers are making music come out of some wooden thingy in her arms. It's coming from the strings. Neat. She should sing more. I've only heard it once before and that was too long ago. I can even understand this a little. Humans want some weird things, I tell you. She wants a magic shirt and then she will love someone. Dogs are not this difficult. Good to be a dog.

Now the other female opens her mouth to sing: "Now she has asked me questions three; parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme…" Nice female smiles at her. Her voice is nice too, but not as beautiful as the nice female's. Aw… The new female really likes our nice female. I can tell. Oh, she wants even bigger things than a magic shirt. Land with pepper on it. I don't get it. That will only make you sneeze. Those four words they keep singing, aren't those herbs? I think I ate them once. They don't cure bad breath, meh. A little kiss on the nice female's cheek between words. So cute. But I would use my tongue.

Together: "Are you going to Denerim Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. Remember me to one who lives there, for she once was a true love of mine."

I howl. "That was awesome!" If I could, I would clap. Humans do that too. "Again, again!"

"Stubbs?" Nice female looks at me, surprised. "Is that you?" She puts down her music thing and hugs me. "It _is_ you!"

"Friend of yours?" asks the other female. Whoa… She has such large teats. I see that now. Angry female will be jealous. Firefur will stare. Hope she won't mind. She pets my ears and I lick her hand. Salty, like her smell. "Oh, yuck."

Nice female looks so happy. "This is Astoreth's dog. Where is your mistress, Stubbs?"

"She has gone on an adventure without me." Why does she even ask? "She wanted us to look for you." Why do I even answer?

"Oh, where has that damnable dog gone off to now?" Angry female is angry yet again. "Here he is." She looks at the two females. "And he has found Leliana."

"They were making music!" I tell angry female. "It was beautiful."

Angry female pulls up one of those hairy lines above her eyes. "Truly?"

Nice female waves. "Morrigan! What brings you here? With Oghren, even."

"Hello ladies," says Firefur. Yep, he's staring at that female's teats. "Who's your friend?"

"Isabela," says the other female. She bends down to look at Firefur; I can see more of her teats now. I bet she can make a lot of milk with those. Hmm. Getting thirsty. "My, such pretty eyes you have."

Firefur's face goes as red as his hair. Funny. "Oh, thanks, uh…" This never happens. Weird. Teats make humans go all funny. He is just laughing now. Like a girl.

"Leliana, Astoreth sent us to search for you," angry female tells her. "She was worried you might not be safe." Her yellow eyes look at the other female. "But I suppose everything is in order, no?"

"Oh, I wouldn't be too sure about that." Teats – I'll just call her that – puts her arm around the nice female and laughs. "I might still kidnap your friend for some choice pillaging on the Waking Sea."

Oh, no. Pillaging is bad. Worse than swooping. "Do you want to go with her, nice female?"

"Stubbs enquires whether you wish to go with your friend," says angry female, in human words. Big words, these. I don't talk like that.

Nice female laughs. "I have never been able to find my sea legs, I fear, and I have promised the Grey Wardens I would see this through to the end." She gives Teats the music thing. "Thank you for letting me use your lute."

"Keep it." Teats smiles. "I can't play that thing to save my life." She holds nice female in her arms and kisses her. With tongue, this time. That is how it's done. "I've had a wonderful time," she whispers. If my ears weren't this good, I couldn't hear it. "I'll never forget you, Leliana."

The nice female blushes. "I will treasure my time with you, and who knows? Our paths might cross again someday." They kiss again. Angry female is looking at them with wide eyes.

"I would like that." Teats stands. She has a big butt too! Everything matches. "Time for me to head back to my ship." She waves to the nice female. "Goodbye, red." Then she pets Firefur, her teats almost in his face. "Goodbye, handsome." Firefur makes a funny noise and falls over. Oh no, blood is coming from his nose. And he is drooling more than I am.

Angry female looks at him, then at Teats. "My compliments. You appear to have broken him." She thinks it's funny, but it's not. Blood is not funny. "Goodbye."

"Love the outfit," says Teats, winking. "Goodbye." Angry female doesn't say "thank you" to her for the compliment, but she is proud of herself. I can tell. Teats pets me too and there she goes.

The nice female looks sad. I think she is going to miss Teats. "Nice female? Will you sing another song before we go back?" I want to hear more. She looks at angry female.

Angry female says: "The dog wishes to hear another song." So does she. I know it.

"I would be delighted to serenade my friends." Nice female smiles and picks up her… lute. That's what she called the wooden music thingy. Lute. Yay, a new word! Her fingers touch the strings, making a pretty sound. Nice female sings: "A blacksmith courted me, nine months and better…"

Now I know why they call this a search _party_. Fun! Could use a snack though.

* * *

_Had to adjust Scarborough Fair slightly to this setting._


End file.
